Character: Beverly Crusher
Word Count: 285
Summary: "As I lean across the table and silence my poor bearer of bad news with a kiss, I can’t help but notice that being a horrible person feels so good." A companion piece to Shame. Beverly learns of her husband's death and has to deal with her guilt over her feelings for Jean-Luc at a whole new level. AU, pre-series.
I can’t believe he’s dead.
Wesley’s father. My husband. Dear, dear Jack, with his smile and his jokes and-
No. I can’t do that. I can’t pretend to be in love with him again. He was my dear, dear friend. He once was more, but I lost that.
At least he didn’t know I didn’t love him. He was a good man. He deserved not to know. He deserved to be happy. To be with his family while he still could. To have what he thought was a happy marriage.
Oh, god, I hate myself. How can I be in love, happy and carefree and wanting, when my husband has just died? I feel like a monster.
Maybe I am a monster. How can I love someone when the person I was supposed to love is gone?
It’s a horrible thing that I want. He’s Jack’s best friend. He obviously could never think about being with me, especially not now. His loyalties lie with Jack, first and foremost.
It’s like I didn’t even care. It’s like I married him for money. Or for status.
I didn’t. I loved him then, I really did. I’m not glad he’s gone. I wish he was still around. He was my best friend.
But he shouldn’t have been my best friend. He should have been my love. And he wasn’t.
Jean-Luc is here, and he’s telling me these things, and all I can think of is how much I want to kiss him.
I am a horrible person.
But as I lean across the table and silence my poor bearer of bad news with a kiss, I can’t help but notice that being a horrible person feels so good.